Wednesday, April 15, 2015

If I Die Tonight


I always thought my issue was depression. I thought my other problems were "physical" problems and that the depression was this "mental" thing. I knew that I had physical symptoms. But today, after meeting with this great psychiatrist, I understand more fully how an anxiety disorder is a PHYSICAL illness. Sure, there are racing thoughts and memory lapses that seem like "thinking" problems, but the body is thinking too. And this doesn't necessarily feel like what you think anxiety will feel like. People with Generalized Anxiety Disorder feel like their body is filled with sand and they're swimming through jelly. They might have digestive problems, sleep problems, muscle tension, back aches, sweating, twitching. They startle more easily and can be hyper sensitive to sound. They also often have IBS. Check. Check. And check. So, it might be that all this crap all these years (the digestive problems, pain issues, muscle pains requiring therapy, night sweats, jumpiness, etc.) all might be the result of an underlying illness. If we gave this another name and only listed the physical symptoms, it would garner sympathy, but it's labeled as a brain problem and so it seems "fake" or that all the symptoms are "psychosematic"," but they're not. I'm not making up diarrhea. That is an actual symptom of the illness. Anyway, I am relieved to not be dying. Although, the other night, when I was in agony with stabbing pain and rushing the the bathroom all night, I had that worry that I might actually have some kind of life threatening illness. I was on the fence about going to the ER, it was that bad. Right before we finally tried to sleep, around 2 am, I had a sudden panic that "what if this is it," and I laid there thinking about my life and what I would want to happen. I wasn't convinced I was going to die, but I was realizing that, were it to happen, I wanted a say over what I leave behind. And this little poem was born.

I'm not dying, yet, thank goodness. But, because I will some day, this is here.

Poem 15

If I die tonight

If I die
From pain
From bleeding
From complications
If I die before I wake
Please take care of my babies
Please save all my crummy journals for them
Please tell them I loved them so
Please keep doing art with them
And brush their hair
And don't spoil them
And make them work
And kiss skinned knees but also praise them
A life without falling is not a life worth living
If you're not getting hurt, you're not doing childhood right
And if they say that things aren't fair
Ask them how they thought it would be
And don't try to make it fair
Nothing is fair
And even gods never said so
And read to them
And play my music
And keep measuring them
I don't care about a legacy other than them
And Marco, I love you.
Could the same be said of marriage as of childhood?
Are we doing it right?
Are we living?
Goodbye, my folks
Goodbye, my family
Goodbye dear friends
It can be said that I did not die of a broken heart
Something is broken but not that
I have been loved beyond measure by so many
I'm sorry I ever complained
Life is hard and then you get diarrhea
Life is unfair, absurd, painful and filled with darkness
But it beats the alternative
Hopefully that will just be nothing
Not existing seems scary
Or just sad
I have existed for billions of years
I go on existing
I just might be a flower
Or a tomato
Or an earthworm
And then, someday
Star stuff again
I am connected to everyone
I am everything
We are Groot
The pain will pass
Surely I will sleep
But just in case
Know I love you
And that love is star stuff too

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