Stagnant. That's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I'm not really sad, per se, but I'm just entirely lacking in motivation. I'm not completely indulging, but I'm just being slightly lazy and not being very disciplined. And I KNOW I'll feel better if I can get my shit together and get back to being really clean and healthy and meditative. But I've slid just far enough down this slippery slope of slackerdom that the climb seems kinda hard.
What makes this the worst place to be is the constant argument that happens in my brain.
"I really should give up dairy today."
"Nah, you can do that tomorrow."
"God, you are such a slacker. Just don't have dairy."
"But I want to, so I will."
"You suck. I cannot believe you are eating that cheese. You have no discipline."
"Oh crap, my stomach feels gross. I shouldn't have eaten that cheese."
"You are an idiot."
Now, why on earth would I subject myself to such thinking all day long every day? Is the cheese really worth it? Is the fat and slobby feeling not motivation enough to get moving? What happened to my ganas?
I've reached this point where my diet is mostly healthy and full of whole foods and fruit and veggies and whole grains, etc. I'm not gaining weight. So, lately, I've been trying to lose it in a healthy way by cutting out more fat and watching my portions and not eating sugar. And I've had success. But this always happens to me. I hit this wall where I've seen some success and I think, "That'll do." I mean, it's not like I go back to eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers and a bowl of ice cream. I don't need the "U Turn" motto anymore. I don't really pig out. I just lose the motivation to take good care of myself. I'm fighting with years and years of bad habits and negative programming. I never had good exercise habits or eating habits, so, now, at 33, it is a lot harder to teach myself that discipline is worth it. It's just so much easier to eat the cheese.
There is nothing wrong with cheese. It's just, I know in my body and spirit that I should probably give up eating dairy. And every day I don't. Every day I protest and gum up my gut and pollute my system. And the thing is, I know what it feels like to free myself of something not good for me. A while a go I gave up beef and have never felt better. My digestive system just does not do well with red meat. I should probably give up animal protein all together, but I'm just not there yet. I might cry on the day I have to give up pork.
So, after starting this post, I decided something. It's never going to change. I'm not admitting defeat, but I'm realizing that if I want to stay on track and stay healthy then, even when I feel like a total slug, I just have to do what's right. I just cannot entertain the idea that the other option is even one of the choices. It's a major bummer. I like that cocoon of comfort. I like cheese and wine and sitting. However, I have to remember that, in the end, what I really like is feeling light and energetic and positive. So, for most of the time, I have to eat light and energetic and positive.
Discipline is remembering what you want.
I read that at a yoga studio long ago, and it has stuck with me. Obviously I haven't practiced that, but I know it is truth. There's a reason they call yoga a "practice," you have to practice every day. You have to do it so it becomes the norm. I've seen this happen in other areas of my life, why can I not do it with exercise and meditation??
So, the goal for today is to not eat dairy. I've got to get out of this cheese condition. And if I don't feel like it, well, that just doesn't fucking matter. My future self needs to take the wheel of this off-course ship!