Several things are on the agenda for today's posting.
1. My Fat
2. My Potential
My boss is getting married next week, and we are travelling to Martha's Vineyard for the nuptials. And, because I am stupid, I waited until the last possible chance to go shopping for a dress to wear to the wedding. This two hour experience was nothing short of horrific.
I began this trip to the mall in good spirits. I was convinced I would find just what I wanted in a short time and leave feeling ready to party. I was feeling comfortable in my skin, for once. However, nothing could have prepared me for the bad lighting and back mirror at JC Pennys. Oh My God. I was in shock. I mean, I know I'm chubby. I know I'm overweight. But I was actually starting to like my self and even appreciate my body. But the horrific reality that faced me in that mirror destroyed every last particle of self confidence I had. I will never wear short sleeves again. And I am going straight away to the gym and begging for personal training. I am going to take off my clothes right in front of the trainer and show them the "situation" and instruct them that they must tell me what to do to correct it. I do not want to be a saggy, fat, back-fatted, jiggly loser. I want Maya to be proud that I am her Mom and not embarrassed. I want to feel sexy and not dress my fat every day instead of dressing my body.
And now what? We leave on Friday to visit old friends. I wanted to go into the trip having lost weight and with my confidence at an all time high. And now I'm fat and discouraged. How does one bounce back from that?? Can I just wear sweatshirts and elastic waist pants the whole time???? Oh this is just terrible.
For those of you who have never struggled with your weight...well, you suck. And many of you are thinking, "I've felt that way." But you don't really know. You're maybe five or ten pounds overweight - not 40!!! Holy Jesus.
And I was feeling so good. I'm under my pre-baby weight. Well, barely. I was more under that weight and then gained a little during the last stressful month. I let it all go to hell.
What was the other topic? Because all I can think about is my fat back and saggy boobs and enormous cottage cheese butt!!!
Oh yeah - I was going to talk about my potential and how I'm not living up to it and how the heck I can possibly regroup and get myself on some kind of different trajectory. How do I change my orbit???
I have wasted the last ten years on go-nowhere jobs working for people in servant roles. I have been a glorified fucking secretary. And now I'm making less than I did five years ago and thinking, "What the hell am I doing???" I feel trapped by this path that I'm on. I do have a job with a nice balance that enables me to be home with Maya and not away all the time. But I'm a gopher and a nobody. I have a freaking English degree from William and Mary. I have serious potential, and I am wasting it. I am busy making other people money instead of providing for my family and living the life I want to live and doing the things I want to do.
This all goes back to confidence. Tonight while I was looking in that godawful JCPenny mirror I was thinking, "How did I let it get this bad? How did I let this happen to my body and to my self?" And the answer came in loud and clear, "Because you hated yourself." I have sold myself short and systematically destroyed my body and my career and my potential because I didn't believe I was worth anything more than that. I saw myself as a loser, and that is what I have become.
So, the question is, how the HELL am I supposed to get off this bus? How am I able to make the life I want to have and do the creative things I dream of doing? How can I have the body I want and the lifestyle I want? How can I do it?
I guess I really need to figure out exactly what I see as the life I want to lead and the things I want to do and then create my path to accomplishing them.
But I want it now!!! I want to be thin now!! I want to be a published author now!!! I want to not work for anyone else NOW!!!
So, we are off work for the next week hanging out with friends. I am going to seek their help in coming up with a plan for my life. I cannot let this state last any longer. I never want to be destroyed by the JC Penny mirror again. I never want to look back on my life and think I wasted it being an assistant. No way. I only get one damn shot at life, right?