I've been thinking a lot lately about the little lies I tell throughout my day. I also started working on a fiction piece that has this concept as its theme. I am intrigued with my own ability to tell little white lies and sometimes even bald faced lies to save myself from embarrassment or judgment or to save a little money. It seems to chip away a little bit on my character and is wearing down the enamel of my integrity. It's not something that I'm proud of or want to continue, but, for now, I'm at least bringing awareness to it. I was even thinking of writing them down as I go through my day.
1. Told my friend I was going in to a meeting to get off the phone so that I could go into Starbucks and get a drink.
2. Told my family I had one glass of wine when I really had tow.
3. Told my boss I finished something that I only had partially done.
4. Told myself that I didn't go to Tae Kwon Do because I had to work late when really I could have been more efficient and gotten home in time.
Why did I make these particular lies?
What purpose did they serve?
Did I actually benefit, or would I have been better off with the truth?
And look who I am lying to - family, friends and myself. Absurd.
I have always said that I am a terrible liar. And that is true, for the most part. I'm not very sneaky. But I find, the more I do lie, the easier it gets. And the greater capacity I have for the depth and importance of these lies. I still feel sick, and I definitely have trouble lying to Marco. When I do try to even bend the truth I end up confessing to him and trying to explain why I lied. I just can't live with the deception. It eats away at me. But I could see how lies could seep into a marriage like water into a crack in the wall and eventually cause it to come crumbling down.
I'm debating posting the portions of this fiction piece on here. It's my true first attempt at fiction in a very long time. I wrote some short stories in college for a creative writing class. But those were really mostly about me and about my sadness and obsession with Andrew Petty. They weren't actually very creative. But this piece, I think, has the potential to be something much longer - maybe even a novel. We'll see. I have always thought of myself as a terrible fiction writer. I have been waiting for this great story idea to descend on me complete with plot, character development and research complete. But I've been reading some fun fiction lately and realized, I could write this. Not that I think I am going to be the Next Great American Writer. I just feel that I might actually have the ability to tell a story and incorporate some of the themes i write about in my little essays and blog posts.
Warning - this may take a very long time. I don't even have one page written. But the story is coming together in my mind. I need to sit down and actually write a plot summary and an outline so that I can have some direction with the writing. I'm excited. It will be fun to try and do this and see if I can actually put something together. John Grisham says to write one page every day. At the end of a year you'll have a book. I like that idea. It seems doable. And if I actually have a plot idea and some characters to work with, I might actually write a damn book. How cool would that be?
Marco finishes school in August, so I told him that I am next in line for classes or projects. Once he is available to help out more around the house and watch Maya I might be able to sit down each day and work a little bit on this project. Wahoo!! He's excited too. Well, he doesn't really even know about this idea I have, but he's excited about me publishing a book and making big money. I just want to see myself finish a big project like that.
I'll keep you posted. I'm sure some of you will want to read pieces. We'll see. Maybe I'm just lying to you about all of it!! :)