I have had a really different response to motherhood than I would have ever expected. I'm much more disconnected than I thought I would be. Now, don't get me wrong, I am wild about my Little Lady. She is amazing. I marvel at her existence every day. But I guess I always thought that I would be overtaken by this psychological state of Motherhood. I somehow thought I would feel that my child was part of me, part of my identity and part of my own being. What has surprised me the most is the realization that not only is she a completely separate person, she is a total stranger. I have this little mongrel of a monkey person crawling around my house, and I've only known her for eight months. And much of that time she was not too clued in to reality. I'm getting to know her, but since she changes on a daily basis, this process is unusual and bizarre. I thought somehow there would be this "knowing" of her - like I had met her before. When we were going to the hospital for her delivery, Marco said to me, "I feel like we're going to the docks to pick up some long lost relative we haven't seen in years." I felt the same way. I think we expected to have some recognition when she came out. "Oh it's you!" But instead I have been totally surprised by who she is and what she does. She's this hilarious little creature who I have never met before. And, you know, I'm thrilled about that. Every day is an adventure in getting to know this baby.
So, here are a few things I have discovered about Maya Ixchel since she's been living in my house.
This lady loves dancing. Well, her love of bouncing has grown into a love of dancing. She can actually groove to the music. She sways back and forth and bounces up and down. She really loves listening to music or just hearing me sing. I make up stupid little songs to carry us through our activities each day. You know, "The Diaper Changing Song", "The Eating Breakfast Song" and "The Getting in the Car Seat Song." She loves it. She smiles this huge smile and bounces in excitement. I love that she gets so excited about things. I think she's really going to be a fun person. She's just such a happy little camper most of the time. She has this light inside her that just brightens up your whole day.
And she loves people. She is so social. She loves to watch people doing things. When we're out in public she loves to ride at the very front of her stroller and watch everything everyone does. And when the cleaning ladies come, she is such a nibby nose and has to follow them around. They love her too. She totally wanted to go with them when they left last time. It was hilarious. I warned them that she wouldn't be too much help. She loves the vacuum, but she mostly just likes to pull the cord.
And this baby loves being outside. When we walk back in after being out, she about has a meltdown. She loves to watch the trees and the neighbors and put every little thing in her mouth. She isn't a big fan of the grass and hates to put her bare feet down in the grass. She tries to stand on one foot. I think this summer will be really fun. I plan to get a little pool and let her splash around out in the yard. Plus, we'll be going to visit my sister and her family and swimming in their pool. She'll love that. My nephew, Parker, took her swimming when we were all staying at a hotel in Annapolis. She was the happiest baby on the block.
She also loves animals. My sister has two dogs, a Saint Bernard and a Basset Hound. She gets overwhelmed with excitement when she sees them. She wants to squeeze their faces and lick them. She also loves my coworker's hairless cat. That thing is kind of freaky looking, but Maya LOVES him. She isn't afraid at all. I love that about her. She is so into everything. She doesn't seem like a chicken or a wishy washy sort of gal. She's all in. I imagine she'll be someone who is up for any adventure.
Right now she's asleep in her crib in her camouflage pajamas. When I brought her out in her new pajamas I told Maribel, my sister-in-law, that she better watch out because a Navy Seal was present. I made her show her guns and warn her Tia that she is "one tough bitch!" She was smiling and so excited even though she had no clue why. She's such a gooney bird that way. I hope she doesn't lose that quality.
Maya seems to be a very inquisitive person. I know all babies are checking stuff out at this age. But she definitely seems like a girl who wants to know stuff. She wants anything with buttons. She is especially interested in my laptop. On the rare occasion I leave it on the coffee table, she makes a run for it and is all smiles as she pounds away on the keys. I thought about buying her one of those toy laptops, but what she really wants is whatever I'm doing. She'd lose interest in her own toy and still want my computer.
I wonder who she will be. I wonder what kind of hair she'll end up having. I wonder what her body will end up looking like. Will she be bigger and hardy like the Minter side, or will she be delicate and slender like the Quezada side? She's seeming more like a Minter. And that makes me hope she doesn't end up with my feet and knees. And that makes me desperately want to love my own feet and knees so that she doesn't even think of not loving her body. I know I can't spare her difficulty. I just know that doubt and insecurity is a far reaching, crippling disease of the self which holds one back from possibilities. I would at least like to give her strength and confidence. I know life is hard. I know I cannot spare her pain and hardship. I just want her to feel she is up for the challenge. I don't want self-doubt to be the thing that holds her back. I get the feeling that she's going to be a strong, confident person. Damn. I love that lady so much.