The last few days I have been a complete emotional disaster. I am quite sure that it is PMS combined with low sleep, allergies and the sadness from my Grandpa passing and the intensity of being with all the family. But I have been in an emotional state that I have not felt in a long time. I have felt out of control and completely taken with my anger, frustration and sadness. It has been eye-opening about how quickly all my thoughts of enlightenment go out the window. I kept thinking, "Stop. Just stop. Pick up your book, take a deep breath and stop being a complete and total cow!" But I didn't. I let myself get swept up in the emotion. I went on a rampage and cussed and cried and broke down. I yelled at Marco. I stormed around the house. I was a bitch. It has been completely absurd. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Fortunately, Marco was informed of my state and has been exceedingly patient. Only at one point during the last few days of my crankiness did he begin to get angry himself and that was just this morning. When I realized that I was dangerously close to pushing him over the edge I had fallen over, I was snapped back into reality. Well, first I called him at work to complain about several things he had done. Poor guy.
What has been good about this is that I have experienced a recollection of what my life was like in the past. I used to live my life in a constant state of emotional upheaval and turmoil. I used to be so completely connected to my emotions that I couldn't stop to observe them at all. And I would judge myself so harshly for feeling them and for being such a mess. And even though I have been out of control and definitely awash in emotion the last few days, I have at least been able to observe it happening. And, at some points, I was able to take some deep breaths and turn the car around before my inner child threw a complete tantrum and ruined everyone's day. It was hard, but I did it. This experience has also made me keenly aware of the fact that I NEVER want to live my life like that again. Jesus. It is too freaking exhausting. If I can't get it together with meditation and breathing next month, then I am taking some fucking SSRIs to get this shit under control. (**My language tends to deteriorate as a symptom. I will try to get that under control as well. Not now - but soon.)
It's so frustrating to be at the whim of emotion. I hadn't realized how together I have been in recent months and years until these last few days. Things that wouldn't normally have upset me at all completely threw me over the edge. I mean, I almost burst into tears in the middle of Tae Kwon Do today when he told me that I can't test this time because I don't know my forms. It was a disappointment, but I should have been able to realize that there is no way that I could have had the time to review all the forms to the point of perfection during the last few weeks. It is unrealistic. And it is okay. The next few weeks will give me a chance to be much stronger and more prepared for the test. But that's not what I was thinking when he told me. I wasn't thinking. I felt this surge of emotion like burning hot acid being released into my bloodstream. My throat swelled, tears burned my eyes, and I couldn't hear. I had to breathe very deeply and focus on the movement of my body just to give myself time to let the emotion run its course in my body. But I was so close to just falling apart in sobs. Can you imagine? I am in a class with kids who are 8 years old. They would think I was completely crazy to be this grown up crying in class because I couldn't take the test. I must have looked pretty upset because the instructor did everything he could to assure me that I would test soon and do a great job. Poor guy. He has no idea how close he came to being a victim of the Monster. Geez.
So, I have a lot to think about. I took the time on the Metro this morning to read my book and think about breathing. I really need to put some things into practice that are going to help me keep my head about me when I go through these upheavals. Things are going to happen in life, and I am going to continue to have periods. I need to be able to continue on my path during those times as well. I am no longer interested in being the sad girl that people have to feel sorry for. I want to be the strong woman who can care for her family and do a kick ass job at work and eat a healthy diet and exercise - even when her body is trying to fuck her up. I want to be Maya Angelou not Whitney Houston.