I figure the title of this post is bound to get your attention. But don't worry. I'm not going to bad-mouth Jesus. I don't hate Jesus. I hate Christianity. Well, I severely dislike it.
I've been writing about A New Earth and the renewed spirituality I've been experiencing.
Well, this experience has been extremely lonely. There is no one I can talk to about what I am learning and experiencing. Well, there is no one I am close to and want to talk to about it. Marco is swamped with work and school and has no time for extra reading. So, I understand. I still talk at him about it, but he doesn't quite get it because he hasn't read the book. Bummer. I am teeming with growth and insight and awakening, but I just have to keep it all inside me.
I realize this isn't all a bad thing. I tend to externalize everything, and some things are meant to be a personal experience. Still, it would be so great to have a deep discussion with someone about my thoughts and experiences with this book and what is happening in my life.
The main problem is that many people I am close to are Christians. And, as you know, outside of the Christian faith, there is no spirituality. It's impossible. You can't have a relationship with God or a deep spiritual experience without believing in Jesus to save you from your sins. It is an exclusive club that has all the rights to Truth and God and Spirit. I know, I used to see things the same way. When a Christian encounters someone who is having a spiritual experience, they think "awe shucks" they don't have any idea what that means. They're just lost and having an intellectual experience. They don't really understand. They need Christ and then they can experience real growth, real truth, real understanding.
I was listening to This American Life on NPR on Saturday, and they were doing a piece on families changing. They had a segment about a Jewish brother and sister who had suffered a major division in their relationship because the brother had become a born-again Christian. His sister had travelled to Alaska to try to understand and reconnect with him. At one point she said that she understood that he had found a way that worked for him and she had a way that worked for her. And she wanted him to accept her way in the same way that she excepted his. And he said that it was impossible. Christianity is the ONLY WAY.
It really rang true for me and what I experience in my own family. There is a major division between the Christians (my sister and my parents) and the non-Christians (me and my brothers). And nothing that I think or believe or discover will ever be of any value to the Christians. I just cannot have wisdom and insight and spirituality because I am not a Christian.
I do have dear friends who are Christians who I feel will listen and not judge. But a part of me knows that there is always that separation. I'm never going to be on the same page spiritually with them because I don't believe in the Christian myth. We have fundamentally different ideas about sin nature and a need for salvation.
So I'm sad today. I'm a little lonely. And I'm trying to bring awareness to these feelings of my pain-body and the cravings of my ego. And I'm trying to just be in the moment and know that this moment is true and what I understand is Truth. I don't need validation. But I miss talking to people about this journey. I miss rich discussions like those I had when I was a "believer". It's a bummer to be in a club all by myself. I guess I will need to reach outside my friends and family and find others who I can talk to about the book.
This is the experience I need in my life because this is the experience I am having. This is what I need for my consciousness. I need the isolation. This is helping me see my ego and my pain-body more clearly. It wants to want more than it wants to have. My pain-body is having a good time with all these negative thoughts and emotions. And now it's hitting me. Awakening of the consciousness is not something you can share anyway. And the more awakened and aware I become, the more accepting of other people's egos I will be. I can stop being angry at them for not including me and just focus on loving them and helping them become more aware.