Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I need to apologize

I am sorry. Ever since I wrote my last post I have had a nagging feeling of wrongness. I was writing out of frustration and anger. I was letting my ego lead the way and allowing my pain-body to be drawn to the drama of upsetting people and getting people to notice me. For that, I am sorry. It was wrong.

I should never have said, "I hate Christianity."

I want so badly to talk to someone, to be able to use the language of A New Earth to describe my feelings about life and being in the present moment and living consciously and bringing awareness to my actions and emotions. And the people in my life who are the most spiritually minded are the Christians. For many years I have felt a gulf between me and these people because I was in a desert of spirituality. I was just existing and thinking and working on myself with my head. I didn't want to hear about how God was doing something in someone's life because I had lost the ability to believe in a God that cared or acted in such a personal way. But, after reading this book, I feel like once again I get it. I see it very differently now and see Jesus in a new way now, but there is a rekindled awareness of consciousness or spirit.

This has made me so excited, and, of course, the first people I want to talk to are the people I have felt distance from in the past few years. But everyone is busy right now. However, I have this fear that no one is going to get the same thing from the book. I am fearful that friends and family will read it and say, "This isn't true" or "This isn't well written" or "You think this book is deep?" I want them to read it, yet I only want them to have the same reaction I have had. And, because I know what it means to believe in Christ, I fear that those who are Christians are going to reject the idea that I could grow spiritually after reading the book because, without Christ these ideas can't bring about any spiritual growth. They may like the book and find that the idea of living consciously very much aids them in their faith.

Basically, my "hatred" is really more of a fear. I'm fearful of being rejected. I'm fearful of putting myself out there and not being able to connect in the way I desire to connect. I'm afraid of never getting back that connection I once had with these people.

So, I don't hate Christianity. I'm just disappointed that so many people I love believe that the only way to have God in your life is to believe that Jesus died for your sins. I'm saddened by the narrowness of that idea. Recently I was explaining my problem with sin nature to my mom and a family friend. I was saying that it just didn't make any sense that God would create humankind knowing that the vast majority would spend eternity out of his presence. And my mom said, "But he gave us a way." And my mind immediately went to the idea that millions of people the world over who have tremendous faith that they are following the right path are completely wrong and will die and spend eternity without God. What?? That just doesn't make any sense to me. That God would make so narrow a path just doesn't seem very God-like. The WAY he supposedly made is bubkus. It's not enough.

I need to realize that I need to stop fighting what other people believe, even if that belief excludes my spiritual growth. My ego wants to be "right" and have others be "wrong". And my pain-body wants the drama to just suck me in and drown me in old emotions. It's absurd.

You have witnessed a moment of awakening for me. I've been having many of these lately. Awareness is becoming part of the fabric of my day. It's not a struggle like "BE AWARE" or you feel bad about it; it's just a complete relief because the only peace you can possibly have is in the present moment. We're always thinking "I'll be at peace if I go on vacation" or "If I could only sit and relax, I could feel calm." But real peace is only found NOW. Stop, Drop and Roll. That's my new motto. Stop. Just pause what you're doing or thinking. Drop. Let go of the obsession. Roll. Let that energy just roll through your body and be completely present. Put out that fire that is burning up all your energy.

I love you, my dear Christian friends. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone - all five people who read my blog!! : ) And thank you to my friend, Kristin who helped me see what I was doing.

1 comment:

Kelly said...

Heather - this is my first ever blog comment! I was checking out all the pics of Maryn on Katie's site and saw a link to your blog and clicked away...

I read this blog and the one before it and just wanted to say that I understand your feeling of disconnect. I get the extremely Minter need to understand and make sense of things that are hard to grasp - believe me - I so have the Minter-mind :)

I also understand wanting the people closest to us to be on the same page with us - especially on matters as large as spirituality.

So... no answers on this end that you haven't already heard :)But just thought I'd say "hi", that I can't wait to see you next week, and that I understand the desire for connection.

love your cousin,

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