Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I've been thinking...

As much as I've been hurting and dog-paddling through my existence lately, I've also been thinking. In the back of my cloudy, exhausted, irritated brain is this little voice that keeps on ruminating. And then I get these moments, when I've had enough sleep and taken my vitamins and Maya is with my mom when I get a chance to breathe and let those thoughts bubble to the surface. I think I'm on the cusp of something great. I think I'm gradually breaking through the binds that have held me back. The truth, the things I have always known, are strong within me now. As I let go of more and more, I find I'm standing stronger.

This last year has been the most difficult of my entire life. There were hard things before, and there will be difficulty again. But it has pushed me to a place where I truly think I can take on anything. It has made the chaff blow away and left only the wheat behind. When I talk to people, I am not uncertain. When I go about my day, I know myself and know what I want and how to do it. I command my life and know the truth of myself in ways I never thought possible.

It used to be that when Marco would get mad at me I would take his anger, be it justified or not, and internalize it. I would believe whatever he would say in anger. I would take his negative energy and swallow it whole. When people didn't like my ideas, I didn't like my ideas. When I went into new situations, I went in weakly and with trepidation that I would fail. I loathed my body. I questioned my capability.

But this year with the difficult pregnancy, the loss of my job, the intense and chronic pain, the house renovations and the birth of my daughter has forced me to do things uncomfortable and challenging. I've been forced to face my fears and just do it. And sometimes I broke down. I felt sorry for myself and begged others to feel sorry for me. I cried as I struggled. I said over and over again, "I don't wanna." But I did. I didn't wanna sleep on the floor, but I did. I didn't wanna have pain, but I did. I didn't wanna live without a kitchen for a year, but I did. And I found, the more I did, the less difficult it became. No, that's not true. It was still hard. And has been. But the more I handled, the more capable of handling things I became. I have been forced to be more organized and keep up with things in ways I didn't before. Before I had the luxury of being lazy. Now, I don't have the time to be lazy. If I want to sleep or eat or wear clean clothes, I can't be lazy. If I want to have the luxury of writing my blog or doing my exercises, then I need to stay on task and get my shit done NOW.

I'm still figuring it out, of course. There are about four or five loads of clean laundry that need to be folded right now. There is dinner to be made (buffalo wing casserole?). There is work to be done. Things seem to slip through my fingers more easily with a lack of sleep. But even then, when I'm tired and crying and overwhelmed by everything on my plate, the voice inside, the truth that I know can still be heard. When Marco gets mad that there's stuff on every surface and that the dishes are not clean, I know the truth about myself and what I've done and can know that he is just venting his frustration over the situation too. He's allowed to be overwhelmed too. I don't have to feel bad about it. I know I've been busting my ass.

The problem I find is that I don't have the luxury to sit and think or meditate for very long. I get little glimpses of truth, and then I'm back to washing bottles and cooking and making files and designing flyers. And the truth that I see, the voice that keeps getting stronger, is that there need to be some major changes in my life. I truly think that changing my diet and movement are going to radically change my existence. I need to get into doing yoga three or four times a week and take a serious look at my diet. I need to seriously focus on my health. I panic because how the hell am I supposed to make major changes when I only have a few minutes each day. But the same voice reminds me of all I am capable of doing. It says, "You always make time for the things you truly want to do." Plus, how can I possibly handle my life if I'm in pain and unhealthy and not sleeping. The tricky part is trying to change my life and add in exercise and an altered diet and meditation while keeping up with everything I need to do. I feel like I'm a house whose support structure is rotted. If I don't fix the support structure, the whole building will collapse. But I can't just clear it out and build it. I have to gradually build in a new structure while leaving the rotting one in place. Then, eventually, the new structure will be far stronger and last much longer.

But where do I begin? What comes first? Well, I guess I started with seeing all these doctors. And I did get the energy healing. And tomorrow I'm seeing that Applied Kinesiologist. And in January I'm going with my friend Liz to see this famous acupuncturist. So, that's a start. Breathe. And when we get back from Mexico I'm going to start yoga. And I'm accepting more help from people and not trying to do it all alone. Breathe. I learned that I can live without sugar and dairy and survive. Breathe. I learned that I can keep a date book and balance all my appointments. Breathe. I let go of the guilt I feel. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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