Saturday, December 15, 2007

I love my life

Things have been tough lately, and I get so lost in my own struggle that I forget to pause and simply enjoy the amazing things about my life. Tonight I did.

We have all three been sick and snotty and grouchy and so so tired. I was supposed to go to a baby shower today, but, as I was pulling out of the driveway I said, "No. This is stupid. I do not have to feel obligated to go to a baby shower when I feel like crap and am totally overwhelmed with everything I need to do. This is just wrong. No." And I pulled back in, got out of the car, went inside, put my pajama bottoms back on and stayed home. It was the single best decision I have made of late.

I was busy all day cleaning and writing Christmas cards and baking. I had Christmas music on, but about seven I decided to create a playlist of a bunch of my favorite songs and play with Maya and focus on her rather than trying to get "one more thing" done. Marco meanwhile put the CD he just bought of kids music written by a bunch of famous musicians into the list. We were singing along and dancing and laughing. Marco and Maribel came in, and we talked and sang and listened to music and laughed and smiled. I know it lifted all of our spirits. I kept finding artists in our catalog that I hadn't heard in so long. I was like, "Oh, Matthew Kahler, Yes!" I had the weirdest mix of CSNY, Indigo Girls, Guns N Roses, Eminem, Duran was awesome. And it all got kicked off with "Don't Worry, Be Happy" which totally makes me think of Eric Morley and being in the fifth grade. Maya really loved that tune, but, then again, who doesn't?!

Well, we were winding down and listening to Matthew Kahler and the lullabies. Maya was getting super sleepy. I made some Ramen Noodles (delicious and nutritious). I was holding her, watching her watch me sing along. Then she peacefully fell asleep in my arms with her little hand resting on my chest. And it occurred to me. I'm her Mommy. I could be anyone in the world. I could be black or speak Russian or have purple hair. But to her I am the familiar. I am comfort. I am Mommy. To her it is normal to have an Aunt live in your house and to see your Grandma all the time. To her a Daddy is called Papi and has crazy black curly hair. But it could be any other way, and she could be with any other family, and they would be her familiar. It made me sad for a moment to think of giving her away and imagining how hard that must be for someone who gave a baby up for adoption - with their babies growing up with a different familiar. And then I looked down at her sweet little face and was so happy that she got placed with me, with us. To me, a baby is slightly bald and hardly cries and loves to stand all the time. To me, a baby hates to have a wet diaper. To me, the familiar is that little stinker sleeping in my bed right now. To me, a baby is a Maya.

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