I am a frayed wire.
I am incapable of processing emotion and thought with any kind of normalcy. I react. Everything seems to be a reaction. And usually it's not a good reaction.
I ruthlessly snapped at Marco this morning. And he was trying to be helpful. The last thing I need is to drive him away. And that is easily done. He's not quite himself either. Though I would argue that he's much closer to his normal self - not having to deal with most of the things that are driving me toward insanity.
As you can tell, I'm very far removed from yesterday's post. That was written last week. It took me that long just to get around to posting it. But it seemed nice and happy, so I did. When last night, while I was posting it, I was crying.
Every end of my nerves is rattled and sharp and tender. Touch me softly, and I might scream.
And there seems to be no light, no end in sight. I just have to put my head down and keep on charging forward, no matter how I feel. Basically, that's what we concluded last night when I was bawling and begging for some encouragement from Marco. It's hard to be encouraging when the reality is stark.
I have to keep working full time. We desperately need the money.
I have to also watch Maya. We can't afford daycare.
I have to keep pumping and dealing with the breast pain. We can't afford formula, and the breast milk is so much better for her.
I continue to have chronic pelvic and hip pain that limits my sleep.
I continue to have sharp vaginal pain that limits our sex life.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to better the situation. I am frayed and frustrated and out of ideas.
Now, I have one hour before I need to leave for a meeting in DC to call and schedule my MRI, call the dentist, brush my teeth, wash the dishes, put on some makeup, change Maya and pack up our crap.
Even my breathing is jagged.