I am in the fifth week since Maya was born. I keep waiting for things to start getting easier, but they don't. Don't get me wrong. I love her immensely, and I love taking care of her. I'm sure you know that. She's a peach. But it's so much more exhausting and worrisome than I could have even imagined. There is no way to describe the feeling of sleep deprivation combined with round the clock care-giving. It makes a person crazy. So far I don't think I'm dealing with postpartum depression - I can only imagine how bad that must make it. And she's not even a colicky or crying baby. She's easy and quiet and sleeps well. I should be doing better at this than I am. I should be able to do it all. How do other people do this?
Supposedly after six weeks I'm going to be all healed and back to normal...at least that's the expectation. I just have trouble believing that reality. I get exhausted doing the smallest things. Yesterday I reorganized our hall closet for an hour or two and helped my sister-in-law sort through some containers from the basement and then cooked dinner. I was beyond exhausted. I was crashing. I'm trying to get myself used to going through the night without pumping so that I can actually start to get some chunks of sleep. Now that Marco is back to work I am doing more of the nighttime feeding and changing, so if I can eliminate pumping I might get as much as 5 hours of sleep in one stretch (in theory). Last night, when I was already exhausted, we had this big discussion with my sister-in-law about the house chores and our expectations after we had fed, changed, pumped and applied medication to both baby and mommy. Then I went to bed at 11:30. Maya woke up at 1:45. Damn. I changed and fed her and went back to bed at 2:30. She woke up again at 4:00. Damn. I attempted to quietly feed her and put her to bed without changing her. She was restless and fitfully (loudly) slept off and on until 6. At that time my boobs were bursting and aching and burning and itching (I have thrush) so I went out and pumped. Then Maya was awake and needed to be changed (poor kid). Then she was starving to death. I begged Marco to do it and let me sleep a little bit more. But he had to get ready for work and was in and out of the bedroom. Then, as soon as he left, she woke up hungry. And we've been on and off every hour or so since then.
Now, you tell me, how is a person supposed to get anything done after that. But there are things to do. We have to go to the doctor. I need to eat. I still have to pump and wash all that crap every four hours or so. Laundry needs to be done. AND - my "boss" called to see if I have had a chance to work on the logo for the new brokerage. Um, sorry no. We could really use the money for the hours, but I just don't know where to work them in. I guess you're thinking - why aren't you doing that now? Or why aren't you sleeping? Good point. But I also want to write these things down. I want to be writing about these early weeks. I mean, I haven't even written anything down about all the special little memories I want to keep. And then there's the research I want to do about being an exclusively pumping or human milk-feeding mom. I just cannot wrap my head around how I am supposed to do it all. In two weeks I'm supposed to be right as rain and working full time while caring for my baby, keeping the house clean and eating a healthy diet. Is that possible?
Needless to say, today is one of my tired days. Today I may not shower. Today I may not do the dishes. Today I'm going to just try and get the two of us fed and to the doctor. I may try to get myself a treat somewhere though. Or at least make a cup of hot chocolate. Maybe. Though that sounds pretty tiring.
Now I'm going to attempt to go sleep a little bit. Good Afternoon.