Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The last days

Well, I've started a new post many times since my last one. I start writing, get uncomfortable, and by the time I get back to write again I'm feeling very different than before. So many emotions have been gallivanting around inside me. And there is this constant buzz in the back of my brain saying, "You're having a baby" over and over. And now we have a date. Holy Crap.

On Friday, August 31st at 12:45 I will have a c-section and delivery this rather large baby.

Whoa.

It is now 5:19 on Wednesday morning. I obviously am not sleeping. My mind is just racing. I'm thinking about the work things I need to wrap up and the counter company I need to call and postpone. I'm thinking about cleaning the floors and making sure the laundry is done...and the bathroom. I'm wondering what is in the bag I packed a few weeks ago and making a mental note to revisit its contents. I'm worried about the people I haven't called lately and making sure I do that before Friday. I'm cleaning the desk and going through my To Do list. It's insane. I know my life is not going stop completely, but I just want to be completely ready. Geez - you'd think I was the only woman to ever give birth. But it's the first time for this woman to do it, so I guess it's normal to freak out a little. The next two days should be restful but will probably be filled with me being anxious and crazy in the head. There are several things to worry about, after all.

1. Breastfeeding - I have taken no classes and will be recovering from surgery. What the hell?!!

2. Marco's sister - I am worried that in my groggy, irritable, emotional state I might lose my cool and chew her out for something. It's been an adjustment having her live with us during this time, and soon I'm going to be even more at my wit's end. Patience.

3. Marco's parents - There's this whole dance of feelings about inviting them to come out here. I want her to know she's wanted, but I also don't want her to feel obligated to stay if she's swamped with her business. Somehow, in trying to be tactful, I came across sounding like I don't want her here. Great. Now I have to do damage control and make sure I really let her know I want them to come.

4. Money - We're still rather broke, and now I'm not working much at all. I know Marco is totally stressed about it, which worries me. How can we pay for diapers? What happens if I can't breastfeed and we have to buy formula. When will I have to go back to work in order for us to get by? Will I have to rush the time with the baby? STRESS.

5. Peace and Quiet - I have this foreboding about the arrival of the baby. I know we won't be sleeping, and I'll be in pain. I know from now on our lives are going to completely change. I'm very happy about it all, but I'm also nervous and having these feelings of mourning for the loss of my selfishness. I have two days left to be completely self-indulgent and enjoy the peace and quiet before all hell breaks loose. I feel like I'm preparing to be sent to war. That probably sounds bad. I am really excited too, but I'm feeling all this as well. Amazing what a human can feel during this time.

6. Marco - I'm worried about all that he's facing. He starts his next school term next week. He's taking off from work for two weeks, but I am just worried that he's going to feel divided and obligated to take care of things around here rather than focusing on baby and ME. Yes, there is a selfish concern. I'm worried that he's going to not be as attentive as I'll need - especially after a c-section. I'm worried about how this will affect my emotions and how that's going to look to my mom, Marco's sister and anyone else visiting. Am I going to be a complete bitch? Is everyone going to complain about how demanding I am? I just want it to go smoothly and not have to worry. Of course I'll chat with him about all this, but I'm worried about it now...at 5:33 am.

7. Food - I'm worried that I'm going to be annoyed with losing control as other people are preparing food and feeding me. That is completely crazy, but it's true. So I'm making things I want to eat ahead. What a control freak!!!

8. The state of the house - I tend toward disorder, and I am really concerned about making it a complete disaster around here. I'm already not able to clean as much as before. What will it be like after she arrives?

9. Sleeping and Pain- Right now I'm sleeping on the couch because of my goddamn hips. It's the only place I can sleep that I'm not in as much pain all night. What if the pain continues? How long before I can get back to physical therapy so that I can sleep in my bed? Will I have to have the baby out here with me in the living room? Will I ever get to sleep with my husband again? Will I sleep at all?

10. The house - We are still having work done on the house. I'm just worried about me dealing with a brand new baby while the guys are here installing our counter tops. I'm stressed about Marco trying to do house repairs in the midst of everything. I'm worried also that things will never get done now that we have a baby.

Okay - that's enough for now. My top ten reasons to not be sleeping right now.

You're probably wondering why I'm having a c-section. Well, it's directly related to the pain issue. Some of you may remember the surgery I had a few years ago in my pelvic floor. I still have residual pain left that has been worse through the pregnancy. That specialist is convinced that the pain will decrease after a vaginal delivery. However, the hips and pelvic floor and vagina are all interconnected. And, I've had some major hip problems. I had bursitis in my one hip before the pregnancy, but the pain was being handled fairly well with physical therapy. However, once I got pregnant, nothing seems to help. I've gotten multiple shots and done hours of PT, and now my other hip is in pain. The orthopedic doctor is concerned about vaginal delivery because of the strain it could put on my hips. If she was a small baby, and my opening was large, and I was dilated at all, I wouldn't be as concerned. However, she's rather on the large size and increasing in size every day. Apparently my opening is narrow. And my damn cervix has not progressed AT ALL. She's still way up high. So, taking into account all the problems, we felt that a c-section has the potential to prevent any more problems from occurring. It's just annoying because the pregnancy is so healthy, and I really wanted the normal delivery experience. I feel like I'm taking the easy way out or something. I'm totally worried about making the right decision. Having this c-section pretty much eliminates any future vaginal deliveries. That means that any pain I have, while not made worse, will not get the chance to improve dramatically without much more physical therapy. It was such a hard decision to make. Of course, I could see a drop in the pain level as soon as I'm not pregnant and carrying around all these damn hormones. Who knows... The idea of living in pain for a lot longer is hard to swallow. Why can't there be a magic button or a glimpse into the future to know what I should do now? Too bad I don't believe God can guide me. That sure would be nice to at least believe right now, even if it's not true.

Well, my back is aching, and I've squeezed out all my worry, for now. I should probably try to get a bit more sleep. I have a lot ahead of me.

1 comment:

Kris & Kendra Rickert said...

I guess you wouldn't be normal if you didn't have worries and concerns about yourself and bringing another human being into your life and the world.

Don't worry what others think about the whole breastfeeding and delivery issues. You need to do what is best for your child and your family, and that is not always breastfeeding. Some of my kids I did and some I didn't for long. And I also think you are way normal when you struggle with losing your freedom and grieving that. The difference I have seen is that most women don't recognize this till after the child is born.

I hope you have had a great delivery and are enjoying your new baby!

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