I woke up this morning in a state of panic, sadness and alarm. The idea of Marco leaving for work nearly sent me into a panic attack. This is the weirdest fucking time of my life. There is nothing at all to compare to it. I've seen other people go through it, but I just can't wrap my head around it for myself. I sit in the room we have set up for her, and I just sort of stare at everything. Is she ever going to come out? Is she going to be okay? Holy Crap, I'm having a freaking baby, and I don't have everything ready. And the more I get ready, the more panicked I become. I think because it fills me with the realization that I'm actually going to have a baby around here really soon.
I've totally lost focus on work. I only have a few things left to do, but it is so hard to do them. I know I'm taking time off for the baby, but I keep feeling panicked that I have to do everything. I have to take care of everything. Food won't be prepared. Laundry won't be done. I'll lose my job all over again. If I don't take care of everything. And soon I'll be breastfeeding and changing diapers. How the hell am I supposed to do it all? Am I going to forget about her and leave her hungry because I got distracted doing the dishes?
And this whole labor thing - waiting for that to start is the weirdest sensation imaginable. It could be one week, or it could be six weeks. That is totally unfair. And I have all these damn contractions that are useless, but at some point they are just going to change and be meaningful and send me to the hospital. Am I ready for that? Last night I was having a million of the damn Braxton-Hicks, and I was uncomfortable and distracted. Part of me was seriously wondering if it could turn and be real labor. Marco said, "This is not a good time. It's so late." He was kidding, mostly. We were both feeling the same way. I don't want to go into this incredibly difficult process when I'm already tired and overwhelmed. I want to be prepared. I want to go swimming again and get a pedicure and have my bag neatly packed and the house completely clean and meals prepared. Yet right now I'm too panicked to do anything.
I need to make a list. Maybe that will make me feel better. I need to be comprehensive and exact and not forget a single thing that we need to do. I can't go into labor with the pile of clean sheets on my bed that need to be folded and taken upstairs. I can't bring a baby home to chaos. I have to get it together!!!
Does everyone go through this? Do those young mothers who leave their kids sleeping in cars go through this? Is my pregnant neighbor in as much panic right now as I am? Can I get a fairy god mother to come in and wave her wand and make everything all settled? Can she take care of the disarray in the attic while she's at it? When will I EVER be able to clean up that mess?
Well, friends, I better leave this blog and get some major shit done. I'm certainly not getting anything ready by writing on here!!!