Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I might get my hopes up!

There has been a lot of buzz about this book and movie called The Secret. I’m sure you’ve read it, seen it or heard of it. Well, I haven’t actually read it, yet. But I’ve heard a lot about it from Oprah and my sister in-law. And it’s got me thinking.

I have trouble placing my faith in this idea of believing good things will happen if I just put good energy and belief out into the universe.

First of all, I’ve mentioned that I struggle with belief. I’m so cynical and jaded from years of being brainwashed that I poke holes in any theory or idea. I assume it will be faulty and fail me. I don’t want to be duped again and end up hopeless. I don’t want to feel or appear a fool for believing in someone or something that turns out to be absurd or wrong.

The second thing working against my belief is the legacy from my parents. I call this the “Don’t get your hopes up” legacy. This is the principle by which my parents seem to operate. My mom in particular looks at the world as an endless list of things that can go wrong and probably will. This is the legacy she received from her parents, two of the most negative, insecure and unkind people. Because they lacked belief in themselves, they proceeded to trample on the beliefs of others. My mom has truly tried to get past this, but it is in the fabric of her being. She has the tendency to throw cold water on everything. She fights it. She hates that she does this, but she just sees all the problems with your idea and how it could go wrong. She doesn’t want you to get your hopes up and have them dashed. She really is trying to protect you from inevitable failure. And there’s the crux. She already believes you will fail.

But this approach to life has no positive outcome. You never attempt anything out of fear of failure, but you end up a failure because you never even try.

I’ve been drifting for years. I have thought about doing a lot of different things and never ended up following through on any of them because it might not be the right thing. What if I got to massage therapy school and hate it? What if I become a teacher and can’t stand being in the classroom? What can I really do with a PhD in Cultural Studies? I may as well not even try. And where has that lead me? I’ve been working at jobs that I hate with no direction and no motivation. And now I’m even without that job.

So, I don’t want to believe good things will happen because I don’t believe they will happen. Plus, I don’t want to be disappointed when they don’t happen.

What a freaking bummer way to live!!!

So, now that so many things are hanging in the balance and unsure, can I dare to believe that I will end up with a positive outcome? Can I begin to actually picture myself in my dream job? Can I just go out on a limb and be willing to fall? I’m on the ground already, so what harm can come of taking the chance and believing?

My heart is racing with the idea of actually filling my life with positivism instead of negativism.

The Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith on Oprah says “that thoughts—which turn into experience, speech and behavior—become the "feeling tone of your life." "An individual can actually begin to generate a certain feeling of gratitude, of love, of peace and of harmony, and the universe will begin to match that feeling tone—and what will flow into your life will match the feeling that you're holding," he says. "It means that everyone…can release themselves from being a victim and begin to take control of their life's destiny."

The other panel member said, "We expect someone to show us our greatness when [instead] I'm supposed to show up understanding my greatness and allowing you to celebrate it with me."

I’m so tired of feeling like a victim. My whole post yesterday was about being a victim. I guess I’ve been writing about that a lot. Think of this as my journey to believing in positive energy.

Let’s give it a go.

I am grateful for being fired because it has given me time to reflect and distance myself from all the negativity.
I am grateful for this journey because I am learning so much about myself and my ability to handle difficulty.

I believe things will work out and that I will find the right job for me.

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