Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Bummer

I’m officially discouraged.

I’m not sure why today is any different than all the days leading up to today, but for some reason today is the day that I am overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion over everything. It’s not that I’m throwing myself a pity party. I don’t even have the time or energy to be that self-indulgent. I’m just so overwhelmed and out of ideas. And I feel so alone in this entire process.

Recap:

I got fired from my job.
Our house is under a complete remodel.
We walk through dirt and dust everywhere we go.
We sleep on a mattress on the floor in the attic.
We have no kitchen and cook all our meals on the grill or in the microwave in the basement.
We had a bat in our house.
I am nearly 5 months pregnant.
Marco is deep into his MBA program and studies constantly.
I’m working a temporary job in the most boring, inane environment on earth.
All of the clothes hanging I need to do is in a giant pile.
It has been for weeks.
I still don’t want to hang it up.
All of our stuff is in boxes or bags.
We actually have a “nightstand” plastic bag.
I keep eating fast food even though I know it’s terrible for the baby and me.
I need to get a crown on one of my teeth.
I have to get a shot in my hip because I have bursitis.
I’m so tired even though my days are filled with NOTHING.

I guess this is a little bit self-pitying.

I guess the thing that might have triggered this downward spiral is the rejection I got from the company where I interviewed last week. I was so sure I’d have to turn them down. I just feel humiliated and completely useless and incapable. It’s like when I was sure I was going to Grove City College and told everyone all about it. And then I got put on the waitlist. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t get in. I did get in to William and Mary. So, I know you’re thinking that the moral of the story is that something good will come along. But that’s not how it works. I got in to William and Mary and went there. I plunged into depression and rapid weight gain, attempted suicide and dropped out for two years. I did meet my husband during those two years, but I also started on a bizarre string of go-nowhere jobs. No one good thing has ever been that in my life. It’s always been bittersweet. Am I a pessimist or am I just the unluckiest person on the earth?

I see my niece and nephew having these amazing college experiences with the whole world in front of them and nothing but good things happening to them. And I’m happy for them, but I’m also insanely jealous. I want a good run. I want a good string of wonderful things to happen in my life. I’m so stinking sick of bittersweet and frustrating and painful.

At this point my mom would say, “Let’s play the glad game.” Okay – so I’ll get all Pollyanna and attempt this whole Positive Thinking thing. (Even though I think it’s complete crap…)

  1. I have a wonderful husband who loves me.
  2. I am pregnant with my first child.
  3. I own two properties.
  4. I have a degree from a very prestigious university.
  5. I have a loving family who does so much to support me.
  6. I’m pretty cute.
  7. I can be pretty funny.
  8. I’m going to have an amazing kitchen in about a month.
  9. I have a beautiful backyard.
  10. I have some wonderful friends who encourage and sustain me with their brilliance.
  11. I’m fairly healthy.
  12. I’m only 29 and have many years of wonderful things ahead.

Oh crap, it’s sort of working.

Do you think that positive thinking can get me a job and more money and total soul satisfaction?

I hope so.

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