Friday, March 30, 2007

Is there reason or just randomness?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Big surprise, I know.

Well, I have had a lot of time to think. I got terminated from my job and have been going through the emotions surrounding that over the last two weeks.

I’ve watched a lot of television. I’ve cried. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt elated and full of promise.

It couldn’t be worse timing. I’m 17 weeks pregnant. We are renovating our house. Marco is in graduate school.

People keep telling me, “Things happen for a reason.” And I nod and smile and repeat it and act like I believe it. But the truth is that I have seen myself as a victim and the victim of myself. I am angry with people for putting me here and angry with myself for my part in the process. If only I hadn’t said this or that or done this or that, we could have just kept on going as we were. I haven’t been able to see this as a good thing. I’ve acted like it. I’ve said that it was horrible there and unhealthy, and everyone close to me knew it was affecting my well-being. Still though, it was easier than facing this hardship. It was easier to just keep rolling along. And my approach to the whole thing has been to just find a job. We need money; I need to get a job.

But today I was really struck by something.

Maybe it did happen for a reason. Maybe I’m supposed to finally figure out what to do with my life and how to work and be there when my child is born. Maybe I’m not just supposed to jump into the next thing that comes along.

I mean, yes, we do need money. We will be in very bad shape if I can’t meet the amount we need to pay the mortgage and utilities and food. But maybe I’m looking at it the wrong way. Rather than being motivated by this “disaster” and the fear of not being able to continue our life the way we want it, maybe we need to change our lives to fit with this situation.

Maybe there are things I can do to make money that won’t involve working in an office and being gone from 8 to 7 every day. Maybe there’s a place for me where I can do things I love, be with my kid and help provide for our family. Maybe. I hope.

It’s just, how do you know? How do you know you’re heading in the right direction? How do you know you’re focusing on the right thing? How do you know the wisest choice to make?

I tend to want to let someone else make the hard decisions. Just tell me if this is right. Marco, what should we do? This is where I really miss believing in God. I miss the comfort of believing that God has my good in mind. I miss turning to God for answers and understanding. I wish it were that easy. I wish I could believe, truly believe. But I don’t. I lost my faith. I turned to God and found no answers. I begged for guidance and found none. I had the realization that it’s just me and that there never was a God helping me at any point. But damn, it sure would be nice to have someone to turn to. It would be nice to believe in a being that knows all and loves all and isn’t going to steer me in the wrong direction. I want to believe that. I even prayed today. I actually said, “I’m tired of not believing. I’m tired of being cynical. I’m tired of being a victim.” I want to feel empowered by something or someone. I want to feel the weight of my own goodness.

Instead I just feel hollow, bouncing along on this big ocean waiting for the next thing to come along with no rhyme or reason. And I get angry that it’s hard and miserable and confusing. I feel unhappy just being swept away by the whims of the universe. I want to plant my feet and follow my own lead. I want to stop crying and stop feeling like a victim and start enacting on my own life and making things happen for myself.

But how do I go from a place of doubt to a place of belief? How do I begin to believe in myself and in there being some sense to this mad, mad world? Where do I get this faith? And how do I know that what I’m trusting is the right thing to trust? I’ve been wrong so many times.

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