I've been negative and discouraged and focusing only on the bad things lately. I hate when I get in these downward spirals. All I do is complain. I feel crummy. I don't like my job. My house is a big pain in the butt.
Poor, poor me.
Yesterday, I did a search in Google images for root canal because my Dad has me convinced I need one. I wanted to see what exactly will be done. I found this image. It is a tooth with a bunch of rubber shards jammed into the cavity. It looks painful and grotesque and bizarre.
The image of the crowded tooth struck me in an odd way.
As I was driving home I was annoyed because my cell phone died, making it impossible for me to call people and chat and fill up my drive home with talk. I had nothing but the radio to distract me from my thoughts of how hard my life is and the overwhelming moping about my own misery. As I was driving I was thinking about how I fill my life with everything. I fill, fill, fill. I do a million things and always fill my life with people and phone calls and talking and TV and reading. Suddenly the image above popped into my head. I’ve just been crowding out the beauty and the feeling of life. Yes, sometimes that is painful and severing, but often it is exhilarating and tingling. It struck me how much of my own misery is because I just fill the empty space with a million things. How do I enact the discipline on my life to pry open the crowd inside me and begin to let healthy, vibrant things back in? I realize that the metaphor of the root canal doesn't really make sense with my conclusions, but the image just looked exactly like how I felt. Sterile, crowded, painful, isolated and clinical - just plain rotten.
I remember being so much more alive. I remember feeling things all over my body and relishing the feelings like drugs. I remember painting and writing and being completely overcome with emotion and excitement and passion. Perhaps I’m glorifying what was also a painful and confusing time in my life, but there’s something I am definitely missing. I’ve healed a lot of the pain, but I’ve lost a lot of the absurd bliss and passion.
Reminds me of a lyric from a Tom Waits song:
If I exorcise my devils
Well my angels may leave too
When they leave they're so hard to find
I think some of my angels left with the exorcism of the devils. I'm hoping I can wrangle them back up again. "Guys, I could really use your help these days. I'm sorry if you got the impression you were not wanted during the RIF centered around Devils over the past couple years."
So, the effort I am going to put forth to gain some of my passion back is going to be centered around being a healthy, vibrant mommy. Uncrowding is the focus - and doing things that are creative and positively stimulating.
Decorating baby room
Knitting baby stuff for my friend
Paintings for house and baby room
Walking at least three times a week
Cooking some yummy food (even without a kitchen)
I wonder if I can begin to bring that vibrancy into the hours between 8:00 AM and 7:00 PM?
I am hopeful.