For most of my life I have occupied a space in the grey zone between truth and complete bullshit. This is the grey zone that helped me justify staying home from school when I was not truly that sick. This is the grey zone that lets me talk myself into one more TV show rather than cleaning the bathroom.
Truth - I am far more tired than usual.
Truth - My ADD is much worse having gone off the medication.
Lie - I don't have time to put the laundry away.
Somewhere along the way I was able to draw a line between my truths about feeling crappy and the lie I want to justify. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't want to work on the budget. I don't want to clean the gross upstairs bathroom covered in old people decay. I am pregnant. I do feel nauseous. I am tired. But, am I really that tired? I wasn't as tired last week when I went out after work with my boss. I wasn't that tired when I wanted to read the entire day on Wednesday.
There is another side to this though. There is the other side of me who is too hard on myself. This is something I've heard from people through the years. I beat myself up for not trying harder in school. I beat myself up for not being as industrious at work. I hate that I'm not like my sister-in-law and my sister who are so immediate about cleaning and staying on top of the mess and necessities of running a home. Why don't I think like that? Why can't I just put shit away RIGHT AWAY??? I hate myself for that. I try to channel Tifany and think how she thinks. But the truth is just that I'm on to some other task or idea before the first one is completed. Oh crap, I never swept the floor!!
Am I angry and frustrated at myself because I am truly a lazy person, or am I too hard on myself and holding myself up to a standard of perfection? Have the lies I've told myself for years made it difficult for me to tell the difference. Absolutely.
It is far easier for me to get things accomplished if I am being my own motivation. If someone demands that I do certain things in a certain time frame (Marco), I get so angry and completely unfocused and rebel. It is totally childish and undoubtedly linked to Rob Lambert forcing me to wash my feet for hours on end. I want to have my own plan and set about things in my own way. Yes, that means it might look crazy to someone else. Yes, that means I might have to have the TV on to help keep me on track. But it will get done.
What I am missing is that little voice that says, "You are not using the TV to help keep you focused. You are just trying to avoid cleaning." Or maybe it's not that I don't hear the voice. Maybe I'm just too good at ignoring it. Especially when they're just about to reveal who-done-it on Law and Order.
So, I am being good today. I didn't turn on the TV this morning. I am going shopping for house stuff, and I will finish my list. I might also have to rest a little and watch The L Word, but that seems reasonable, right? I mean, I am pregnant and need to rest...